Hey Dad! Remember me?

So I had dinner with the family last night. My Gramma, and my Dad and my 3 half siblings. It was nice. Except it's like I'm not really a part of the family. First born daughter and grand daughter and I'm invisible. The leper of the family.

My Gramma and my Uncle and my cousins leave for Cuba this week. What about me? Why wasn't I invited? My cousins have been all over the world, yet here I am without even a sympathy invite.

Then there's my Father. It's a joke to even call him that. Here we are both unemployed. Living 30 minutes away from each other. He's bragging about how he snowboards for free. You know, because he's an instructor. Thanks for the lesson Dad! I like snowboarding! Remember how years ago you bought me a snowboard? Whatever happened to that? Oh ya! You gave it to your son! Thanks for the snowboard Dad!

It's so frustrating and it's been like this my whole life. I guess sharing the same last name and the same color eyes doesn't automatically make you family.

You know it would be great if I accidentally forgot to invite my Dad to my wedding. I could just be like, woops, I forgot all about you! Or, I didn't think you would be interested. You know,I'm only your first born! That doesn't really mean anything to you though, right? Outta sight, outta mind, just like always. My Gramma would never let me do that. She would secretly invite him, just like she always does.

When I was 15 I was arrested for assaulting my abusive Step Father. One of the conditions of my bail was that I was not allowed in my house. My Father was forced to take me into his home. That didn't sit well with my Step Mother. She forced my Father to kick me out. His solution? Let's put a 15 year old in her own apartment! Ya Dad! Great plan. I turned 16 on the day I moved out of my Fathers house. I was my own guardian in grade 10. I signed myself out of class whenever I wanted. I had a job and almost every penny I earned went to drugs and alcohol. It was sad. I ended up hospitalized when I tried to commit suicide. I weighed less than 90lbs. I had developed a heart condition. Did my Father ever once come see me? Nope. He sent me flowers once. Forgot my birthday for 6 years after that though. Eventually my Mom divorced the dick head Step Father and I returned home to my Mothers. Things got better. I changed schools, and I stopped doing drugs. Life went on and I healed.

I still cannot forgive my Dad. He was my hero and he let me down. I fear every man in my life will let me down. I lay awake at night terrified that I might ruin the fantastic relationship I have. Like one day he might realize that he can do better and walk out. Just like my Dad did. Every day is a new day though. I love you and you love me. That's enough for me.